7 Things to Expect When You’re in a Relationship With a Narcissist and How to Begin Healing

Are you in a relationship with a narcissist? Being in a relationship with a narcissist can greatly damage your self-esteem and wreak havoc in your life. Even after the relationship ends, it may take years to recover from the chaos and destruction a narcissist can create.

Unfortunately, the nicest, most generous people can get ensnared in a narcissist’s trap. A relationship with a narcissist will cause you to second guess your decisions, emotions, and even your own sanity.

What to Expect

Being in a relationship with a narcissist can be detrimental to your mental health. A narcissist has an innate ability to come across as charismatic, kind, and generous. And, they’ll use their charm to ingratiate themselves with you and your family.

However, once your defenses are down, they’ll begin to show their true nature, which is usually in direct opposition to who you thought they were.

That makes being with a narcissist confusing and even dangerous. However, if you’re still in the honeymoon phase, it might not be so obvious that the object of your affection has this predatory personality disorder.

What is a Narcissist?

Narcissists spend their entire lives trying to portray an idealized version of themselves in order to impress other people. That’s because they need to appear as though they’re better than everyone else.

Personality qualities include lack of empathy, a need for constant admiration, and thinking very highly of oneself while seeing others as inferior.

However, in reality, narcissists have a fragile ego and an undefined self. In addition, they harbor a deep sense of shame. Therefore, they will continuously seek admiration, validation and acceptance from the outside world.

Narcissism Defined

The Mayo Clinic defines narcissism as a personality disorder. “Narcissistic personality disorder, one of several types of personality disorders, is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.”

They go on to state, “A narcissistic personality disorder causes problems in many areas of life, such as relationships, work, school or financial affairs. People with narcissistic personality disorder may be generally unhappy and disappointed when they’re not given the special favors or admiration they believe they deserve. They may find their relationships unfulfilling, and others may not enjoy being around them.”

7 Things to Expect When You’re in a Relationship With a Narcissist

Who Does a Narcissist Target?

Narcissists turn on the charm because they’re seeking attention and want you to admire all their seemingly wonderful qualities. But, they also might see you as the perfect target.

Narcissists will usually choose a person who checks all the boxes: attractive, successful, and smart. Unfortunately, there’s another quality that they can spot from a mile away. They can intuit that you crave love, attention, and want someone to recognize you as the special person you are.

Many times, a narcissist will catch you at your most vulnerable: following the death of a loved one, after a bad breakup, or in the midst of some other life-altering event.

Are Narcissists Dangerous?

Narcissists can be dangerous because they are so successful at manipulating others. People often misinterpret a narcissist’s interest as authentic feelings. However, narcissists are simply motivated by what they think you can give them.

Spotting a narcissist can be tricky. So, you should be always cautious when meeting someone new. And, when a potential partner pours it on thick, it’s important to be even more vigilant than usual. This behavior usually indicates a lack of boundaries and an insincere effort to win you over.

Therefore, it’s your responsibility to set strong boundaries and be unwavering until your partner has earned your trust and respect over time. Then, take it slow. Keep in mind that words mean nothing without the actions to back them up.

The Beginning

When you meet a narcissist, you’ll notice that mutual friends won’t have anything nice to say about this person. They may not say anything negative, but if you pay attention, you’ll get a sense that something’s not quite right.

Unfortunately, in your enthusiasm about a new relationship, you’ll brush that unsettled feeling aside. And, the narcissist will help you do that by manipulating you into thinking that people are jealous or not happy for you. But soon, you won’t be able to ignore the warning signs.

Red Flags

1. A narcissist has no boundaries.

When you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, they will not respect your boundaries. Narcissists have a sense of entitlement and believe that everything is about them. And, like a toddler, they are highly offended when told no.

Narcissists will do whatever it takes to get their way. This behavior includes pouting, rejecting you, destroying your reputation, and even getting aggressive or violent. So, beware of a narcissist’s temper tantrums.

For instance, narcissists will create scenarios that cause you to have problems with other people. And, they’ll do this by any means necessary: going behind your back, telling lies about you, pretending to befriend someone in your circle to “warn” them about you.

They’ll also do their best to either hurt you financially or keep you financially dependent on them. The aim is to isolate you so that you give into their demands more easily. By separating you, they give you no choice but to become more reliant on them. In turn, they feel even more powerful.

2. A narcissist has no authentic communication skills.

Narcissists communicate with the intention of getting what they want. They have to win. They don’t have empathy for what you’re going though. Therefore, they will never truly consider your feelings or needs.

They will also deny you the opportunity to experience your own emotions. For instance, if you catch them in a lie, or call them out on something, you will never get a straight answer, an apology, or admission of guilt.

And, when things aren’t going their way, the narcissist will behave in a passive-aggressive manner. They will undermine you, blame, you, and make you think your needs and expectations are unreasonable.

Gaslighting

The term for this type of communication is gaslighting. According to Thrive Talk, gaslighting is a “…manipulative tactic in which a person, to gain power and control, plants seeds of uncertainty in the victim. The self-doubt and constant skepticism slowly and meticulously cause the individual to question their reality.”

Gaslighting happens over a period of time. At first, you might misinterpret the narcissist’s actions as a harmless misunderstanding. And, you’ll probably end up apologizing because this is when you start to question yourself. And, that’s exactly what the narcissist wants.

As this behavior continues, you’ll feel increasingly confused, depressed, and anxious. You’ll start isolating yourself from others and grow more dependent on the narcissist.

Here are some examples of gaslighting.

The narcissist will:

• question your memory. They will make you feel as though you’re mistaken about a version of events. Therefore, you’ll begin to second guess yourself.

• tell you you’re imagining things. They will often use expressions like, “you’re crazy, or you’re imagining it”.

• minimize your feelings. The most common way they will do that is by telling you that you’re too sensitive. They make you feel as though your needs, no matter how small, are unrealistic.

• deny, deny, deny. The narcissist will claim to forget what actually happened, or deny that they did something. Instead, they will tell you that you’re wrong, crazy, or imagining things.

How do you know you’re being gaslighted?

According to author and psychoanalyst Robin Stern, Ph.D., the signs of being a victim of gaslighting include the following:

• You constantly second-guess yourself.
• You frequently feel perplexed and frustrated by his responses because you can’t get him to understand your intentions.
• You never feel like the issue has been resolved.
• You are constantly told that you’re trying to start an argument.
• You ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” multiple times a day.
• You often feel confused and even crazy.
• You’re always apologizing to your partner.
• You get him/her upset without intending to.
• You can’t understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren’t happier.
• You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behavior to friends and family.
• You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain or make excuses.
• You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
• You have trouble making simple decisions.
• You have the sense that you used to be a more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed person.
• You feel hopeless and joyless.
• You feel as though you can’t do anything right.
• You wonder if you are a “good enough” partner.

3. A narcissist thinks like a teenager.

Quite often, narcissists come across as empathetic, friendly, truthful, and compassionate. But, they behave that way because they believe that’s how they’re supposed to behave based on societal norms. However, it has nothing to do with their true character.

If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, expect to deal with unpredictable behavior. This is a direct result of the narcissist’s inability to have empathy or communicate effectively with others.

They are not authentically interested in resolving an issue to the satisfaction of everyone involved. They only want to support their agenda.

Therefore, they will sulk, give you the silent treatment, pick a fight, or create unnecessary tension. This is how they control and manipulate.

4. A narcissist will hold a grudge.

Due to a lack of maturity, narcissists will claim that they are so hurt by your behavior that they cannot get over an issue once triggered. So, instead of using boundaries in a healthy way, they use them as weapons in order to punish you.

And, once they get angry, they’ll withhold their affection or forgiveness, and will refuse to come to an agreement or even entertain any type of resolution.

Remember, their intention is not to have a healthy relationship, it’s to get their way. So, naturally they lack the motivation to make things right.

5. Narcissists wear a social mask that has nothing to do with their true self.

Unfortunately, although narcissists may have valuable qualities, they have no real depth of character. They live a shallow existence, but cannot see it.

Therefore, although they may have a lot to offer, they are unable to share their unique qualities with the world. This is because they can’t connect with themselves at a meaningful level. However, a narcissist doesn’t see any of this.

And, because they are so skilled at playing this social game, other people believe that they are confident, friendly, and genuine, even though they have little substance.

Moreover, they usually appear to be doing better than others. They use their charm to gain compassion, social clout, and attention. But, as skilled as they are at deceiving others, they cannot keep up this persona for very long. Eventually, you will notice cracks in the exterior.

6. A narcissist will always be in competition with you.

Narcissists have fragile egos, are self-absorbed, and lack perspective. If you’re doing well, or taking steps to improve yourself, narcissists will swoop in to rain on your parade.

For instance, they will belittle you, reduce you, embarrass you, or try to minimize you. All of these mean-spirited behaviors can be attributed to their fragile ego, lack of self-esteem, and the inability to find joy in your success. In the eyes of a narcissist, you have to be beneath them.

And, over time, as you start seeing a narcissist for who they truly are, they will attack your self confidence.

The Game of the Narcissist

Narcissists have to win at all costs. And, they become very adept at keeping you in a “lower” position by playing mind games.

Remember, narcissists will wait for you to drop your defenses before they start to show their true colors. And, that’s why they are so dangerous. With a narcissist, you don’t know whether you’re coming or going.

7. A narcissist will never (ever) take responsibility.

Narcissists will never go inward and reflect on how their behavior hurts others or creates problems. They will always deflect the blame onto someone else.

Most often narcissists blame the person in their life who is the most loyal. And, when you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, that person is you!

Leaving a Narcissist

Getting out of a relationship with a narcissist is very difficult. That’s because once you’re hooked, they will try to maintain control over the relationship.

Remember, to a narcissist, you are just someone to play out their drama with, not a true partner in any sense of the word.

Therefore, when you begin to assert yourself and reclaim your voice, they’ll get angry. In turn, a narcissist will pull out every manipulative tool in their tool box, and this can be brutal.

1. Before you tell a narcissist that you’re leaving the relationship, have a plan.

Make sure you have an clear exit plan. This is especially important if you’re living together. Narcissists will be prepared to hurt you in any way possible when they feel as though you’re moving out of their grasp: damaging your reputation, stealing your money, and even stalking you.

So, prepare yourself financially, emotionally, and mentally. Decide when and how you’re going to leave the relationship. And, make sure you have a strong support group around you.

2. Rebuild relationships.

You’ll probably have to do some damage control with your friends and family because of the fallout from this relationship. If you’re trying to get out of a relationship with a narcissist, they will do whatever they can to ruin your reputation and make you look as bad as possible in front of everyone else.

They achieve three major things by doing this. First, they boost their own ego by doing their best to make you look like you are beneath them. Second, they hurt you in the deepest way possible. And finally, they continue to keep you isolated.

So, at this point, it’s important to go out of your way to rebuild your relationships with friends and family. This might take time depending on the extent of the damage.

But, with a little effort, the people who truly care will come to understand and give you their love and support. (And, if they’re giving you a really hard time, feel free to share this post with them!)

3. Figure out the logistics.

When you leave a narcissist, you have to make a clean break. So, I would strongly suggest that you change your phone number and don’t reveal your new address. This may sound a bit extreme, but if you’ve ever been in the clutches of a frustrated narcissist, you know that things can go downhill very quickly.

Life After a Relationship with a Narcissist

While getting out of a relationship with a narcissist may be painful, you can protect yourself from attracting another narcissist. But, you will need to develop a strong sense of self and an understanding of healthy boundaries in relationships. And, ironically, these are the two things that a narcissist lacks.

Healing and recovering from this experience will take time. And, if you’ve been in this kind of relationship already, you may have a codependent personality. So, the worst thing you can do is get back into a relationship too soon.

Even when you think you’re ready to move on, be extra cautious. It’s more often than not that a codependent person will inadvertently end up with another sly narcissist. And, this can destroy your self confidence.

So, focus on self care and be patient during the healing process. This will take time, but it is possible to emerge as a stronger, happier, and more compassionate person! You’ve got this!

Share Your Experience

Have you ever been in a relationship with a narcissist, or know someone who has? How did it impact your life? And, was there anything else you experienced that I didn’t mention? What other advice would you give to someone who is in a relationship with a narcissist right now? Comment below and let’s get the conversation started!

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