5 Ways to Re-parent Your Inner Child and Build Self Esteem Now!

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*Updated February 2024

What does it mean to re-parent your inner child to build self-esteem?

Re-parenting is an effective tool that you can use at anytime to heal emotional wounds from childhood and free yourself from the past. So, if you are in an unhealthy relationship, feel depressed and anxious, or you are carrying around unresolved pain, re-parenting your inner child may be the solution.

Essentially, you become the parent you needed back then.

Giving yourself what you didn’t receive as a child, will empower you and help release the hurt you’re still carrying from childhood experiences. This process is key to releasing and healing trauma, and raising self-esteem.

As a result, you can move beyond your suffering to enjoy emotionally healthy relationships and live a joyful life!

Childhood Trauma

Sometimes parents fail to provide their child with the emotional, psychological, and physical support required for healthy development of self. And, adults who are stuck in past trauma can forever remain ruled by their wounded inner child.

Suffering emotional or physical abuse undoubtably affects future judgement because you didn’t have the opportunity to develop a strong sense of self as a child.

As a result, you may not know how to set healthy boundaries with others. Unfortunately, this can result in a lot of pain, chaos and drama later in life.

And, it’s likely to cause you to make poor decisions into adulthood, especially surrounding relationships and setting healthy boundaries.

5 Ways to Re-parent Your Inner Child and Build Self Esteem Now!

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Words that Hurt

If you’re carrying wounds from childhood as an adult, there are very real reasons for this.

Although your parents may have been trying to teach and protect you, they may have actually done the opposite.

Here are some of the most common ways children’s feelings are invalidated or minimized:

• You were made to feel guilty about expressing your emotions.
• You were called names.
• You were punished when trying to speak up or express your individuality.
• You were shamed by your parents or family members.
• You were put down with criticisms or verbal attacks.
• You were physically punished with spanking, slaps, pinches, etc.
• You were made to feel responsible for your parents and their happiness.
• You were brought into adult issues and conversations.
• You were taught that it’s not okay to have your own opinions.
• You weren’t given appropriate physical affection, like hugs, kisses, cuddles.
• Your feelings were not validated or given any importance.

So, if as a child, you felt unloved or were mentally/physically abused or neglected, you probably have low self-esteem because you never learned how to connect to self.

Then and Now

You may be wondering how this is relevant now. Some adults are unwittingly still being influenced or controlled by their unconscious inner child.

Therefore, they are living through a subconscious program of unworthiness based on what they learned in the past. And, because they have no authentic connection to self, they will remain stuck in an unhealthy, repetitive cycle.

This results in an inability to have functional, happy relationships. And, they may attract narcissists or other dysfunctional romantic partners.

These negative and self-destructive behavioral patterns are the effect of childhood trauma.

And, if this sounds or feels familiar to you, it may explain why you have failed relationships, or always choose the wrong partner. You may also feel anxious, afraid, or insecure.

But, that’s not your fault. How else could you feel when you never received the proper protection or emotional shelter as a child?

However, the wonderful news is that now you can re-parent your inner child to heal past pain and make positive changes!

Looking Outside of Yourself

When a parent doesn’t validate you or teach you that your feelings are important, you are programmed to believe this as well.

And, you cannot build self-esteem if you don’t value your own feelings.

As a result, you mature into adulthood not even realizing you have a self that you are responsible for nurturing.

And, when you lack self-esteem, you are conditioned to put your feelings aside in order to please others. So, you look to others for everything you should be giving to yourself: love, acceptance, self-esteem, validation.

It’s only when things go really bad, or you hit your emotional rock-bottom, that you may finally go inward because there’s nowhere left to turn.

Conscious Re-Parenting

Before proceeding, I want to stress that I’m in no way blaming your parents. Your caretakers did the best they could with the level of education, information, and emotional maturity they had at the time. Therefore, to assign blame and carry resentment will only add to the pain you’re experiencing.

No matter what you may have gone through, you can heal your inner child.

So, in order to embrace and empower yourself and become a happy, whole adult, try these 5 practices.

“Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”

Maya Angelou

1. Recognize Your Inner Child

In order to re-parent your inner child, you have to recognize that you have an inner self that needs to be nurtured.

Too often, when you are wounded in childhood, you don’t even realize that there is an inner you that needs love and support.

As a result, many emotionally wounded children become codependent.

This means that you look outside of yourself for acceptance and validation. And, it can cause the world to be a confusing, and even scary, place.

Use the Present Moment

However, by living in the now, not worrying about the future or dwelling on the past, you can ground yourself in the present moment.

Being aware, or in presence, provides a unique opening for you to consciously create your experiences.

And, when you’re not running your life on autopilot, you can break free of familiar patterns and welcome fresh energy into your life.

As a result, every minute of the day presents a new opportunity to be unconditionally loving, nurturing and kind to yourself. And, this is exactly what your inner child needs to develop and thrive.

By taking care of yourself, you can actually be that caring parent you wish you’d had as a child. With daily practice, you can overcome past habits of mind and repetitive thoughts to create new thoughts and new ways of being.

Resources:

• If you’re interested in learning more about the present moment and how to use it to consciously create your life, The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle is a wonderful resource.
• If you’re interested in learning more about breaking familiar habits and creating a new reality, check out, Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself or Becoming Supernatural, by Dr. Joe Dispenza

2. Understand What Your Inner Child Needs

We all have different needs based on personal experience. So, the re-parenting process will not be the same for everyone.

It may include setting boundaries, carving out “me time”, and learning to be patient with yourself throughout this process.

According to Dr. LePera, founder of the Holistic Psychologist, re-parenting is “just self care”. In other words, the concept of re-parenting your inner child is based on the premise that you have the ability to take care of your own needs.

She goes on to explain, “It’s making choices every day in your own best interest. It’s becoming aware of your patterns and behaviors, especially understanding why you do what you do.”

So, in order to re-parent your inner child, cultivate and nurture your relationship with self.

Be firm in the knowledge that you already have everything you need inside of you to heal your life and move forward with gratitude and grace.

Resources:

• If you’d like to learn how to set safe, healthy boundaries in all of your relationships, click here.

3. Practice Self Care

Self care is an effective tool that can help you develop a strong connection to self. You are the only person that has the power to heal your wounds.

So, give your inner self what you craved as a child, but did not receive.

Here is an exercise you can try:

Imagine yourself as a small child. Cultivate feelings of love for your inner self and talk to her. Take the time to find out exactly what she requires from you and be willing to do what it takes to comfort and nurture her.

Be sure to check on your emotional state throughout the day. Ask yourself, “How do I feel about this person, situation, or event?”

Then, validate and honor whatever emotions bubble to the surface. Your feelings matter, so it’s time to make them a priority.

10 Self Care Activities:

• Go to bed early.
• Write in a journal.
• Get a facial.
• Take your vitamins and supplements.
• Get active and practice yoga.
• Take a quality probiotic.
• Eat your fruits and veggies.
• Hydrate.
• Walk in nature or listen to a Solfeggio frequency.
• Practice daily meditation.

Resources:

• If you’d like to heal emotional (or physical) wounds naturally, you may be interested in learning about the Solfeggio frequencies for their benefits and healing properties. Click here for more information and start feeling better now! (Please always contact a mental health professional if you are depressed or dealing with trauma.)

4. Overcome Lack of Parental Mirroring

When you are young, you learn about yourself from the adults who raise you. This happens through what’s called parental mirroring.

Wikipedia defines mirroring as, “The basis of healthy self-esteem is that one’s natural self, with all its emotions, with its successes and failures, is acceptable and lovable.

If the child does not feel his parents love him for himself, apart from accomplishments, he will develop what object relations theorists call the ‘false self’, the self that is fabricated in order to get the approval of his parents, based on the ability to achieve good grades, a good job, a good mate, etc.”

Parental mirroring is the ability of a caretaker to accurately reflect a child’s expressed thoughts and feelings. And, this confirmation that the child has been heard will lead to the child’s experience of acceptance and validity.

“Hold the hand of the child that lives in your soul. For this child, nothing is impossible.”

Paulo Coelho

If this doesn’t happen, a child will internalize that love is conditional based on their behaviors, grades, and accomplishments.

As an adult, this doesn’t just go away. You will always strive to earn someone’s love based on what you can do (or do for them) and not for who you are, which signifies codependency.

Therefore, in order to re-parent your inner child, it’s important that you provide her with what she needed to hear in childhood. Here are some key examples of how you can talk to your inner being:

Words that Heal

• I love you.
• I hear you.
• You are perfect and complete.
• You didn’t deserve that.
• That must have been very difficult for you.
• I’m so sorry that happened to you.
• You are smart.
• You did your best.

Resources:

• If you would like to read more about how to heal your inner child, you may enjoy, Healing Your Lost Inner Child: How to Stop Impulsive Reactions, Set Healthy Boundaries and Embrace an Authentic Life, by Robert Jackman

5. Practice Inner Child Visualization

Visualization is a powerful tool for transformation based in neuroscience. That’s because it actually changes your brain in beneficial ways.

Therefore, the following process can be used to heal your inner child.

• Sit or lay down in a comfortable, quiet space.
• Become aware of your breath.
• Consciously take slow deep breaths in and exhale gently. If you feel any tension in your body, focus on that area and breathe into it.
• Release the tension with the out breath. Continue to breathe in and out slowly.
• Let your mind relax and just accept whatever emotions arise.
• When past pain and emotions bubble to the surface, stop and take several deep breaths.
• Visualize a bright light flowing though your body and focus on the space around your body. This will return you to a state of calm.
• Repeat this process when you are feeling receptive and ready.

Inner child visualization is not only an effective wellness strategy, it’s the perfect pre-meditation activity!

If you are ruminating about negative past events, or feeling anxious and depressed, meditating will not be helpful.

But, by learning to sit with yourself in a state of stillness and peace, you’re actually changing your brain and turning off the flight or fight stress response in your body.

Now, when you feel ready, you can introduce meditation into your routine.

Meditating is the single most effective way to make positive life changes, and it is the perfect self care practice!

Resources:

• If you’d like to learn more about the benefits of mediation, click here.

Healing Power of Love

Love is the greatest healing power in the Universe. And, love can heal even the deepest trauma and pain from your childhood.

In quiet contemplation, you can choose to think different thoughts and make new choices.

When you re-parent your inner child, you will nurture loving thoughts of forgiveness and compassion. This will open new doors and allow you to create healthier, happier relationships.

True adulthood hinges on acknowledging, accepting, and taking responsibility for loving and parenting your own inner child.

And, only you have the power to make positive changes by connecting to self, raising your self-esteem, and building confidence.

What do you think of the concept of re-parenting your inner child? Have you ever tried any of these re-parenting strategies? How have they worked for you?

Are there any other strategies you’ve used that made a difference in the quality of your life?

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Disclosure: Melissa Damiani is a participant in the Routine Probiotics for Her Affiliate Program, and the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, affiliate advertising programs designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to select merchants, Routine Probiotics and Amazon.com. Although I only promote products that I love, use, and have confidence in, always do your own research before purchasing any product or service. Read my disclaimer here.